Of Love and Survival
by xxXX1trueloveXXxx
Summary: This is very much a Gale monologue interspersed with Peeta's thoughts. Peeta can see now that Gale hasn't been in love with Katniss for a long time. At least not since the Quarter Quell. AN: If they could I think the two boys would tell you all about it.


This is the longest one I have written so far. It just happened…it ran screaming away from me due to two friends' prompts:

Schadenfreude: [malicious joy/delight] 'the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another.' (Wikipedia).

Write about something controversial in fandoms we have debated before…

As such! I am recapping each Gale/Katniss kiss! I am getting the whole 'it's not about two boys' thing off my chest. *sticks tongue out* In my opinion, Gale started falling out of love with her halfway through Catching Fire. It's in Peeta's point of view for a tiny bit of schadenfreude.

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**Not In Love Anymore**

**Peeta POV**

The crowd cheered as both Gale and Caesar got comfortable in our chairs on the stage after clips of Gale in propos wrapped up on the screen behind us. Gale sat across from Caesar dressed in a standard issue military uniform that was bland but functional. I guess that was the point of them though. He looked healthy if not a little tired. The makeup covered it up well, but I could see it in his eyes. Katniss looked like that sometimes too after a bad night. Grey eyes that were awake and responsive enough to face today. Grey eyes that were reliving something far away and weary from all they'd seen.

In direct contrast the most colorful and supposedly stylish suit that Caesar wore. It made sense though being Capitol born he wasn't about to let some old ways go quickly.

These postwar interviews were all oddly reminiscent of victor interviews after winning one of the Hunger Games. It left me feeling calm in its familiarity but unsettled by the similarity. I shuttered as my own memories of sitting across of Caesar flickered through my mind clouding my vision temporality. Flashes of tracker jacker venom still occurred months after being back the torture continued. Whites blurred together with washed out brighter blues, greens, and browns. I'm not sure what it was going to be a memory of or even if the memory was going to be real. I didn't want it whatever it was. Focusing on my breathing. My body that was on the couch. The feel of my pants being clenched into my fists. Slowly the room came back into focus. The TV. Yes, I was watching a report from the Capitol. Caesar had said something about the clips and must have asked Gale a question because there was a hush of anticipation. Gale was smiling back tightly as the camera panned in closer to him. It was obvious, to me at least, that the clips had brought back memories as they often did for victors.

He's not a victor, but he may as well be. Gale pushed through the memories and smiled more openly and began speaking slowly, "I'm was never her brother, cousin, or lover. At one point I could have been any; either way our longtime friendship is easy to see. The feelings I have had for Katniss have ranged greatly since the beginning. She's the kind of person that makes people feel lots of things. That has always been clear to both sides. Katniss, the Mockingjay, started the rebel-" Off screen Caesar's must have cued Gale in the correction, "-revolution because the right people knew how to use her ability to make people feel things." He shrugged conceding, "I was no different from everyone else even as children."

He wasn't wrong, but it was odd to hear such a conversational point out loud. If anyone was gonna get away with it, Gale would. He might not say it eloquently, but he'd make himself heard.

I could see him relax into a memory as a smile tugged at Gale's lips, "When I first met Katniss I was cautiously curious then fuming angry in a matter of seconds." He was chuckling to himself now. The fondness towards Katniss seeping into his words, "After that I was confused, concerned, friendly, and protective as we met up regularly from then on. We were an effective and focused team. It seemed natural to be around her after a few months. Easy like nothing ever was."

He paused as memories of twelve must have overwhelmed him. I couldn't imagine being as young as they were and having to deal with the concerns they had. My early memories of twelve were clear, not messed with. My biggest concerns at eleven had been how much bread to make so that we could have some stale leftovers or a treat without altering the Capitol; Katniss had been the same age with just a bit older, but her and Gale were concerned with not being executed for poaching to feed their starving families. It was humbling. Those two would never cease to amaze me with their capacity to survive and to love. Both mine and Gale's thoughts swung back to the present.

Caesar caught on to the mood of Gale's words, "You loved her in your own way as we all do?"

"I didn't really know I loved her until I knew that I could lose her. After she volunteered. Getting her back after the games was almost worse. I loved her and obviously she cared for me, but neither of us could act on it. I didn't want to push her." The audience sighed, it made me roll my eyes. It was never a love triangle for me back then. Katniss had played at love for us to survive. I had been mad and hurt. He would have had minimal resistance from me off in their woods.

Caesar sympathized with Gale, "Of course not. The games are an ordeal."

"Watching Katniss suffer after the games were some of the most painful moments of my life."

"How so?"

"I could see Katniss ready to do what it took for her family. Then she'd do something of say something that didn't fit with the old Katniss. Out on nowhere she would panic at nothing or see things that weren't there. She was like a trapped animal." His sentence began trailing off, "The games did something to her."

Everyone was hanging on his every word. Part of me was hoping he would just say he was returning for her, to help her heal. He'd try in his own way for sure. I doubt he's stay long enough to see any real improvement in her. Caesar pressed him for more, "And now at the end? Do you hope that she can love you now?"

I didn't really want to listen to him profess his love for Katniss. If he really loved her, where was he? How come he didn't come back and spend hours listening to her terrified screaming sobs. Her grief was echoed by the skeletons of a district that tried to rebuild itself from ashes. Maybe he couldn't face it here. Katniss and I had no choice in the matter since she was exiled here and couldn't imagine being somewhere she wasn't.

Gale's answer was swift and abrupt. With no hesitation. It surprised everyone. You could hear the audience gasp. I gasped. Caesar furrowed his brow. The only one not surprise and completely unfazed was Gale. He was unapologetically steady.

"No?"

"We might have been able to have a relationship at some point. I thought it was possible. At any rate, I was convinced I just had to win her over after the whole star-crossed lovers' thing faded enough that we could be together in twelve. Even secretly."

"Like other victors had done…" Caesar couldn't say it on air explicitly. Annie and Finnick.

Gale nodded, "Realized after the victory tour though that things were happening in the districts that I needed to be a part of."

"The revolution had started!" Caesar beamed towards the camera with the catch phrase.

"Yeah, revolution and all that." Gale shrugged again as if the rebellion wasn't all that 'revolutionary' to him. I guess that it wasn't. He had been of the first to rebel in twelve. It gave me a weird bit of pleasure that the thought of returning to where it all started for him stung. So many conflicting emotions all at once for both of us. I could see them on his face as he debated what to say next. Gale steeled himself against his next words.

"It was a script. The star-crossed lovers' angle was a script to her to keep everyone around her alive. Peeta always loved Katniss. Anyone with eyes back home knew it."

Well, that was news to me…

"I was the one blind..." He took a deep breath his thoughts rushing out, "She loved me in her own way, not the same way she loved Peeta, but like him she wanted me to live. At the time Katniss was focused on survival. It's all she could think about by the end of the war. She told me so herself. I didn't get it. I'm not sure anyone can until they go through something like the games; and she went through them twice."

Prompted by the mention of it I took a deep breath as the edges of my vision blurred. Caesar was also prompted, "The seventy-fifth hunger games! Yes, those were compelling and, dare I say, revolutionary!" He threw out Panem's new favorite word causing the crowd to cheer. He was trying to lighten the mood, "Did you sense it being plotted in the games with the star-crossed lovers?" Gale's interview was more emotionally charged than past interviews because he was personally connected their beloved Mockingjay.

"It was obvious during those games how much she loved Peeta, but she was too busy trying to make it through everything to see it. Katniss always goes all in. Her whole being loves and hates. It was no different with loving him. It just who she is. Katniss would have given up her life for Peeta. Katniss is gentle, just, and compassionate with those she cares about. The core of her will never change, but those parts of her got tangled up in the games and after. I'm not sure she ever thought about her own survival as a way for her to live. I wanted her to survive so she could stop thinking about everyone else's survival: the other victors, her friends, her family." Gale sighed probably thinking of Prim and everyone else she couldn't save.

"Peeta said, you know, survival costs everything you are. I don't think she could see what it was costing her. Katniss paid dearly. She will never be the same, but she will always care for others." It was odd hearing my words in Gale's defeated tones. What made it worse was how much it hurt feel satisfaction that I was right, and he knew it. He understood in a way I would have never wished anyone, even him, to understand us victors.

All Gale had dredged up had left the nation feeling raw and bleeding. Even Caesar couldn't sugarcoat Gale's knack for speaking the unpoliced truth. He would always be a big picture thinker that moved with stealthy strategy. It was what Panem needed now, subtle changes moving toward the better for everyone. Not Katniss and her single-minded determination.

There was something that he was supposed to be getting towards with this interview and I could see him searching for a way to bring it up smoothly. I could see him plotting something now, assessing all his options.

"For her the cost…well…we all know what happened to her mind." It was a sad statement of fact for him. A resignation that spoke volumes. It was also purposeful knowing her mind was not something discussed on air…ever. However, it was the perfect way to bring Panem an update on Katniss' condition. I knew it was necessary for Panem to know what had become of their Mockingjay but hated it. Katniss was still important to the end goal: A New Panem. It was all symbolic now though. If she could survive and be whole so could we. 'The Mockingjay' was a flawed, cruel sentiment to burden Katniss with now.

Caesar spoke with gusto promising to be back after the break with Gale's update on how Panem was healing as the camera pulled away from the stage, "The Mockingjay has been through so much, now she can heal in peace like the rest of us." Gale looked displeased and was clutching his hands together. He must not like that idea of using Katniss that way either. There was only so much he could do in politics even in his position. He still cared for Katniss, but I don't know it she'd see it that way. He was still fighting the good fight on her behalf. I smiled bitterly at the thought that the war never really ended for Katniss or me either. Only it was internal until it wasn't. He was struggling to clean up and piece Panem back together far away from twelve. I really didn't mind. The bitterness left my smile due to the pleasure filling my chest. He would rebuild Panem. I would rebuild something better.

Turning everything off, I looked out the window towards Katniss' house. I could see Greasy Sae moving around the kitchen window. I shrugged on my coat to head over and help get dinner ready for us. Stretching out my legs I couldn't stop grinning. Gale had wanted Katniss to stop needing to survive, but she never would. It made her resourceful and independent. I saw shards of the who Gale remembered mixed with Katniss I never stopped loving in the small ways we helped each other make it tomorrow. We survived together costing terror during sleepless nights and sadness during tentative days, but we never wanted to try to live any other way.

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Thank you for the inspiration you send by reading my fics. The next one is going to be a bit late due to a FORKS ROADTRIP! *fangirls hard* As usual: Comments and prompts to help me write better are always welcome!


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